Life On The Inside is an email newsletter about life with my son who has autism and who has been under house arrest since April 2023. You can sign up here:
A year ago, my older son who has autism was arrested. He was charged with solicitation of a minor, something he didn’t do and something I know he would never do. He spent 13 days in jail before he was released on bond and placed under house arrest, a condition he was granted because I promised the judge I’d leave my husband and home in Florida and come to Virginia to stay with him for as long as the restriction remained in place.
Since last April I’ve learned a few things about the criminal justice system that I think are worth sharing with you so you can share them with your child, whether they have autism or not.
It all comes down to talking with your kid which can be hard if your child has autism as they may not grasp what you’re saying at first, and if your child is neurotypical, it can be equally as hard as they may run from the room screaming, “I’m a good kid! What are you accusing me of?” and, “Ewwww! I’m not talking with you about that stuff!”
No matter how you slice it, being a parent isn’t easy. It is, in fact, the toughest job you’ll ever love.
Here are the few things I’ve learned. And the time to talk with your kid about them is now.
The police
If you are arrested, try not to panic. Don’t answer the millions of questions the police will shout at you. And they will shout, yell, and bully you. Stay silent, except for the words “I want to speak to an attorney” and “I want to call my parents.”
Do not offer the police your cell phone thinking it will get them to see they’re wrong to arrest you. They will arrest you and take your phone anyway. If you’re saying, “Here, take my phone, you’ll see I did nothing wrong,” it means you’re talking. And as I’ve already said, stay silent except to ask to call your parents and an attorney.
Do not give the police a hard time. Do not give them any reason to rough you up. Sure, they’re wearing body cams, but you could be in the emergency room or worse before somebody realizes you were roughed up unjustly. (I’m not saying roughing up is justified. I’m saying don’t provoke it.)
Almost all kids can memorize the words “I want an attorney” and “I want to call my parents.” I implore you to help them do this.
The situations, and these are just a few
All kids need to be taught that it’s not right for a 22 year-old man to have or want a relationship with a 14 year-old girl. Or for a 31 year-old woman to have or want a relationship with a 16 year-old boy. You cannot assume your kid knows this. You have to have the conversation and the many wide-ranging conversations it will lead to. You might be uncomfortable at first but remember, you’re doing this to protect your child. You’ll also be letting them know they can come to you with difficult topics and situations they might find themselves in. Situations like sexting.
You need to let your adult son or daughter know that if they’re receiving revealing photos and/or racy text messages from an underage girl or boy, they should come to you immediately. The reverse is true as well, obviously. If your underage son or daughter is receiving revealing photos and/or racy text messages from anyone, they should come to you immediately. Tell them not to respond in any way, and certainly not to respond with their own racy text or picture. They should come to you, with their phone, and you should hold onto it. Call your attorney. If your child has autism, find an attorney who specializes in such cases and speak with that person. I’m not saying this is going to become a “thing,” but sadly, it happens. Keep your kid’s phone. Call the attorney. The best defense is a good offense.
All kids need to be taught that it is never, ever ok to look at photos of little children in sexual situations. Again, you cannot assume your kid knows this. If they stumble on a website, they should close out of it immediately and tell you. If they have a friend who delights in showing them this stuff, they should tell you. Child pornography is, disgustingly, rampant, and police stings are, rightfully, rampant. This means though, that innocents on the very periphery can and do get swept up in the system and proving their innocence can be very, very difficult.
Now, how can I say “innocents on the very periphery”? Who can possibly be innocent? Your child, autistic or not, can stumble on a website, panic, and close their laptop. They don’t click out of the site. They don’t come to you. Instead the site is open on their device and now your IP address is in the hands of any sting operation in the area. Your kid didn’t do anything except panic. And now the police are at your door.
It happens.
Teach your kid to trust their gut, their intuition, their “Spidey sense”
All kids want friends. But it’s up to us as parents to talk with them about learning to listen to their body at all times when making friends or hanging out with people they think are their friends.
This was my son’s downfall.
He was with a group of guys he barely knew. They invited him to play soccer. He loves soccer and all he ever wants is friends. They were belittling him to his face, and he knew it. They were making fun of him, and he knew it. They took his phone and wouldn’t give it back no matter how hard he begged. Then they did the unthinkable, with his phone, unbeknownst to him. And left him holding the bag.
He said, “Mom, the whole time my stomach was telling me to leave. To go home. Why didn’t I just go home?”
My son has the “Spidey sense” part down, but it took this awful incident to teach him to listen to it.
Talk with your kid about listening to their body. And talk with them about acting on what their body is telling them.
All kids want friends. But it’s up to us as parents to teach them that anyone who belittles, makes fun of, or torments them is not a friend and never will be, and that it is ok, imperative even, that they walk away.
There are lots of conversations we need to have with our kids, autistic and neurotypical alike. Assume nothing. Talk about all the things I’ve mentioned here and more.
The life you save from being unjustly imprisoned just might be your kid’s.
Thank you for taking this long, strange trip with me. I appreciate you and your many comments and emails. If you’d like to read parts 1-54, you can do so here.
What an important, valuable post.
Pretty goddamned sad situation when you have to tell, teach, and reinforce the fact that the American “justice system” has become the people’s enemy.
Now, I’m not saying don’t trust a cop. I am saying NEVER trust a cop. And this is crucially urgent if you have a loved one who has a tendency to be overly gullible in the honesty of others.