Part Fifty-Three: Taking the Apple Cider Vinegar Cure
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I’m doubled over on Oak Springs Drive, vomiting all over some poor person’s grass, when a pretty blonde woman walks past me on the other side of the street. She’s wearing form fitting black workout gear, carrying a pink water bottle, and walking a dog with a pink collar. She gives me a wave. I cover my mouth with one hand, wave quickly with the other, and turn immediately back to the grass to vomit some more.
Please don’t look at me, I think. Please don’t cross over in your pretty pinkness to see if I’m ok. I’m fine. And with any luck I’ll make it home so I can die. A newspaper headline flashes through my mind: Local Woman Out for a Walk Found Dead of GERD on Oak Springs Drive. Pretty woman in pink expresses sorrow: “I should have done something, but I thought she was just some drunk!”
I get myself together, walk a few more feet, and vomit again. And again. Thankfully, I see none of my neighbors as I hurl my way along Fernwood Place right up to our door.
A short while later, after I’d showered and thrown everything I’d been wearing into the wash, when the pain had taken a break but I knew it would be back, I Googled exercise + indigestion. A person can really get lost in those Reddit threads and I certainly did, but one of the posts offered a link to a discussion on WebMD about apple cider vinegar and GERD.
Apple cider vinegar, I thought. I had a bottle of that in our fridge in Naples. I used to… drink it? Add it to food? Why did I have it? I couldn’t recall exactly, only that it had something to do with trying to bring down my glucose level as I’m … pre-diabetic. Oh my God. I’d forgotten about that little chestnut.
With that in mind, let’s look at the situation together, shall we?
I’m pre-diabetic.
I’m 25 pounds heavier than when I began my warden duties.
My GERD is through the roof.
You know what needs to happen right? I need to lose the weight I’ve gained because if I do, my being thisclose to diabetes becomes this close. It would also help reduce the GERD and both of these things would make Not Dr. Kim and Not Dr. Mandy very happy.
Me too, by the way.
But, because there’s always a but, it’ll be far more difficult to lose weight and distance myself from diabetes if every time I try to exercise the indigestion (oh ha, it’s so much worse than that but I hate the word GERD) makes me so sick I throw up.
I need to do something about the GERD. And I need to do something now. Because, while I’m Googling and reading Reddit threads and deciding whether or not to click that link (because what if it’s a virus?!?!) to the WebMD discussion, It’s Coming Back.
Suzy the Speed Reader jumps into action.
I click the link to WebMD and praise Jesus, virus averted. I scan the “Comments & ratings on the side effects, benefits, and effectiveness of Apple Cider Vinegar.” There are a few from as recent as March of this year, and dozens that go all the way back to 2017 (and maybe beyond, but that’s where I stopped reading). I jump from WebMD to Reddit and back again.
The advice is simple enough: drink two teaspoons of apple cider vinegar in water (warm or cold) twice a day. Chase it with a teaspoon of honey if the taste bothers you or you feel like it’s stirring up the GERD.
The comments are pretty evenly divided. There are several “this is bullshit, it doesn’t work, don’t do it” posts. That’s cool. A little dissension in the ranks is always a good thing. There’s one that simply says, “it made my GERD worse.” And there are a bunch that say, “it’s worth a try, it worked for me, my grandmother’s been doing this her whole life, etc.”
It could make the GERD worse. Now that would be something, maybe even something that would involve a hospital. But I can’t just sit here. I have to at least try. The burning is back, like fire in my chest and throat.
I bite back the bile and belch my over to Safeway.
Apple cider vinegar in water is not exactly a Java Chip Frappuccino but I drink it fast and rinse out my mouth. (Can’t have the vinegar messing with my pearly whites.) Twenty seconds later what can only be described as the Painful Burning Belch of Death bursts from my throat and brings me to my knees.
Mr. Lucky is at work. Mr. Rugby is in New Jersey. My beautiful husband is thousands of miles away at home, where my GERD and I long to go. Visions of being alone in the hospital dance in my head. I don’t have a car, so I’m going to have to call 9-1-1. The phone is in my hand when I remember the honey.
“Chase it with a teaspoon of honey if the taste bothers you or you feel like it’s stirring up the GERD.”
Stirring up the GERD? More like somebody’s using a cement mixer.
I stick a teaspoonful in my mouth and swallow. The pain stops. Completely. Immediately. I’d say I’ve never been so shocked in my life but that would be a lie. We all know the biggest shock of my life was a phone call from the Rappahannock Regional Jail but, in any case, I’m seriously stunned.
No pain the rest of the day.
Mr. Lucky and I watch a movie when he comes in from work and nothing.
I chat with my sister-in-law Nancy about the apple cider vinegar, the walking/vomiting combo I endured earlier in the day, and the minor medical details I’m aware of that bring on GERD and I’m relaxed and pain-free.
Finally I go to bed, propped up like that poor kid in Mask who had to sleep sitting up, and finish the book I’m reading. Great book. Made me cry. Which made me want to curl up on my side with my pillow and go to sleep. But I haven’t slept on my side or my back or my stomach in ages. Did I dare?
I dared. I clutched my pillow, curled up on my left side*, closed my eyes, and slept straight through to seven this morning.
Then I got up, walked around town without vomiting, drank my apple cider vinegar concoction (which again brought on the Painful Burning Belch of Death but it was more like Near-death this time), sucked down some honey and went on with my day.
Is this it? Am I cured? Will I never again pray to die while out for a speed walk? I have no idea. But even if I only get a few days break from feeling like the fires of Hell have taken up residence in my ribs, I’ll take it.
*Sleeping on your right side is, from what I’ve read, not the best choice for those with indigestion, reflux, GERD, etc.
Thank you for taking this long, strange trip with me. I appreciate you and your many comments and emails. If you’d like to read parts 1-52, you can do so here.
If you’d like to check out my newest book, BOUNCE: A Memoir of Resilience, you can read the first two chapters free here.
That would be an inexpensive remedy if it continues to work for you. Good luck!
What is this GERD of which you speak?
Remember how I said one of my recurring fictional characters was named Gerda? You do NOT want to get her "stirred up" or you might get "dead" from her, too.