I’ve realized something.
Despite this situation, and my exhaustion and frustration with the pace of the proceedings, despite my worries about the future and the sometimes searing pain of missing Rob right down to my bones, this time — this coming up on 12 months of time — with my guys is a gift.
An expensive gift – food, $1000 a month! therapy, $1700 a month! – but a gift nonetheless.
I was an impatient, career-focused young mom. I ran a big business with big clients and had big things to attend to. I had big meetings to run, big events to oversee, and big old jet airliners to hop on and be away working for big chunks of time.
I wanted to be somebody big. I wanted big bucks in the bank so I could do big things for my kids. Amass big college funds. Take them on big trips. Buy the biggest Christmas tree and surround it with the biggest, most brightly wrapped presents big money could buy. I wanted to live in the biggest house and have big groups of my sons’ rowdy, video game and flag-football crazed friends around all the time.
I thought if I just kept pushing harder, longer, smarter, faster, I’d get there. But I was wrong.
Big wrong.
I share all this not because I enjoy thinking about it (I don’t) or because I’m proud of it (believe me, I’m not), but as a way to express my joy, relief, and gratitude for having the opportunity now, at almost 62, to be home with my sons. To be the mom, to a degree anyway, that I wasn’t.
I still can’t cook, but I make dinner for them every night. And in the case of Mr. Rugby, breakfast and lunch too. (I want HIS metabolism.) And I’m still anxious and impatient and I work too much for too little money but I spend what I can on them, and that makes me happy.
When this is over and I get to go home to my beautiful husband, I’m going to miss my boys. I might even miss the grocery shopping and the cooking and the laundry and the listening - dear God, the listening. But I’ll have the memories of this time with them, this second chance to just be their mom.
It hasn’t been easy. It isn’t easy. But I have loved it. I do love it.
Big time.
Don’t ever doubt yourself. You are a great mom and you continue to be a great mom. Your boys are lucky to have such a strong, intelligent and supportive mom!
This is a reminder of the preciousness of time spent with loved ones and the value of being present in their lives. Your journey from a career-focused mindset to embracing the role of a dedicated parent is both relatable and inspiring. It's a beautiful testament to the power of second chances and the profound impact of love and family.
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