I wanted to write last Saturday, but by the time we drove from Jacksonville to Naples it was late, I was tired, and I really wanted to cry because I couldn’t remember where I keep my coffee stuff in my own house. In Virginia, I have an inexpensive but dependable Mr. Coffee. In Naples, we have a Keurig. It’s fussy, but it works. If I can remember how to work it. Which I couldn’t.
I wanted to write last Sunday, but I couldn’t get warm enough to sit still. I left all my wintery gear in Virginia and my Florida stuff is just that – Florida stuff. It also doesn’t fit, which ruled out layering the too tight garments lest I wanted to feel like a stuffed, chattering sausage.
Saturday night I wanted to cry. Sunday I did cry. I cried, tugged on a too tight pair of jeans, found a hoodie in my shorts drawer that I didn’t remember I had and, despite feeling like the ugliest, bitchiest, fattest woman in the free world, said yes when Rob suggested we go shopping.
Shopping is and was a good idea. In fact I’m sure you were thinking, “Susan, just go shopping!” a few sentences ago. But I didn’t want to go shopping.
I wanted to crawl back into bed and stay there until it was time to go home.
The thing is, of course, that I was home. And as desperate as I’ve been to get there, reentry was tough.
Buck back to the shopping because talking about being torn between two lives, two worlds, two pretty different Susan’s, is too hard right now.
We went over to Marshall’s where, practically soaked to the skin from the pouring rain, I strolled confidently, or as confidently as one can when bursting from their sopping wet plastered on pants, to the men’s department. There I rifled through sweatshirts and sweatpants until I found something suitably soft and comfy and large. Mostly large. I clung to my selections – gray sweatshirt, gray sweatpants, men’s size medium - and raced to the checkout counter filled with relief. Then we went over to Macy’s because Rob insisted I find some jeans that didn’t make me miserable by cutting into my ample waist and amping up my GERD.
I swear, being the warden to my son has just about killed me. But – back to the shopping!
I didn’t find jeans, mostly because I was too afraid to try any on, but I did find a gorgeous pair of Lauren linen pants and a coordinating linen top that fit. They fit! Thank God. Something I could wear to dinner on my birthday!
62. WTF????? How did that happen?
Of course we couldn’t go out on my actual birthday, which was on Wednesday, because I was glued to my desk from 7:30 in the morning until close to 7 that night and by then I was cranky and fried and even fatter.
I swear, I was fatter.
All that sitting and stressing over every pre-header and subject line, every headline and subhead, every word I wrote for a series of 5 emails that had to be done that day! By the end of the day! So they could sit in “Copy Review” for two days! Two days after I killed myself on MY BIRTHDAY to make that deadline!
With all that sitting at my desk, writing and stressing, I could feel the cortisol racing through my body directly to my abdomen where it promptly planted its flag and said “Ha, ha, bitch! How’s this for bloat?!”
So yeah, that was awful.
Honestly, there was no time to write all week, until right now. Sunday, the 25th. I’m back in VA and realizing I haven’t explained why we were in Jacksonville.
We went down to tour the Arc of Jacksonville Village, a community for adults with IDD. Mr. Happy to be in His House and Not the Big House and I flew down together, and Rob drove up to meet us there.
The place is amazing. It has a huge clubhouse where residents can use the gym, watch movies in the awesome theater (with big comfy chairs — comfy is a thing with me right now, obviously), shoot pool, paint and craft, just tons of stuff. There’s a kitchen and dining hall where they have dinner each night and a room with a stage that was, of course, my favorite probably because I’ve never met a mic I didn’t like.
Surrounding the clubhouse are the houses where the residents live. They run in a circle around it and it’s all very pretty and safe.
But the best part was the people. And not just the staff, although we really liked them, but the residents.
We got to meet three of the people who live there. A young woman with Down Syndrome and two young men with… something, but we couldn’t tell what. They were so lovely. They’ve each lived there for a long time. They have significant others (who live there, too, yay! romance!). And jobs they enjoy. They take the shuttle to go grocery shopping and walk into town to the ale house on Friday nights. There’s a gardening club and movie nights and visits to the zoo not to look at the animals but to work with them. And and and.
We loved it.
Most importantly my son loved it.
At this point we’re on the waiting list to get on the waiting list but that’s ok. We aren’t in a rush because we can’t rush. The wheels of justice, like those of my metabolism, turn very slowly. It’s possible I’ll hear from our attorneys this week about The Next Steps, but it’s just as possible I won’t.
And on that note…
Rob and I have developed a plan as to how we’ll handle Mr. Happy to be in His House and Not the Big House once his final sentence is determined and he begins his 5 years of supervised probation and we’ve submitted said plan for the consideration of the Powers That Be. We couldn’t have come up with it without the assistance of several very dear friends who said they’d help us and for that we are very grateful.
Like really grateful.
I’m talking seriously, crazy grateful.
Because if the Powers like the plan, I get to go HOME. Home to my life. Home to my fussy Keurig and my too tight clothes. Home to my bright, beautiful office, our crisp, cool bed, and breezy evenings by the pool watching the sunset. Most importantly, I get to go home to Rob.
Dear God, they’ve gotta approve that plan.
Thank you so much for subscribing to Life On The Inside. I appreciate you being here with me. If you’d like to read parts 1-32, you can do so here.
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This month is criminal justice month. Nami is asking folks to share their stories.
Yeah!!!