Let's talk about sex

Yes, you need to have "the talk" with your ASD kid

Photo by Mathieu Stern on Unsplash

As I’ve said, my now 33 year-old son was charged with solicitation in April 2023. As I’ve also said, he did not do what he’s accused of but, we can’t prove it. When it first happened, I sat at my desk thinking, Oh my God, my kid is accused of a sex crime. How can that even be? But, as I’ve discovered over the last 19 months, it really can be. And 99% of the time the person with autism has no idea that they’ve done something unlawful.

To that I can only say, of course they have no idea. They’re not taught sex ed and they have no sexual experience.

According to a 2016 study published in the National Library of Medicine, “Autistic adolescent boys are less likely than their typical peers to have had sexual experiences with a partner.” And the results of another study published three years later states, “Only 10 of 27 autistic adolescents and autistic young adults interviewed said they had had any relationship experience; and 7 of those 10 indicated that their relationships had been unhealthy or confusing.”

They are also not taught sex education in school or by their parents.

According to a study by the International Society for Autism Research, “Autistic people are much less likely than their neurotypical peers to receive any kind of sex education, either at school or at home.”

“A lot of folks on the spectrum are in secluded classrooms, which almost never offer any form of sexuality education,” says Jessica Penwell Barnett, a sociologist at Wright State University in Dayton, Ohio. And often, “Parents feel that sexuality, and therefore sexuality education, are inappropriate for their autistic child.”

Without that education, those with autism have tremendous difficulty understanding sexual rules. In fact, they don’t understand them, don’t know they even exist. Period. Now think about the flip side to this. Without any kind of sex education, particularly as it pertains to consent, would your loved one understand what was happening if they were being sexually abused? Would they know to tell you?

In an article for The Transmitter, Lynda Geller, a New York City psychologist and autism specialist said, “People on the autism spectrum are notoriously law-abiding rule followers. But if they don’t know a rule, they don’t follow it.”

Got it. But guess what happens if you tell them the rule? The game changes completely.

Add to all this the fact that the actions of someone with autism are frequently interpreted as sexual when they were not intended in that manner, and you’ll see how the whole situation can go downhill fast.

It’s heartbreaking, really. They have no sexual experience, no sex education, and no peers to talk with about sex and relationships in the locker room or at the lunch table. I mean, the lunch table was where I got the lowdown from my girlfriends when I was in the sixth grade. Maybe your parents explained the birds and the bees business to you, but I’m willing to bet most of us who are neurotypical got the 411 from our friends.

Now for the racy part (also known as the tip of the week):

We need to teach our ASD kids about sex. The particulars. The rules. The innuendos. This is just my opinion, and yes, I started talking with both my sons about sex when they were nine, so feel free to disagree, but it’s where I stand. I believe that our kids are healthier and far safer knowing than not knowing. They are, after all, sexual beings.

In the largest study on the sexual activity, orientation, and health of autistic adults, researchers reaffirmed that, “The majority of autistic adults are interested in sexual relationships and engage in sexual activity.” And in fact, “Autistic and non-autistic groups did not differ in age of sexual activity onset or contraction of STIs.” Therefore, “Sexual education and sexual health screenings must be a priority for all individuals, including those with autism.”*

How you go about “having the talk” is up to you. There are books on the topic, online sex ed classes available, and the Organization for Autism Research has a page packed with suggestions. Use these resources or find your own. But please, talk with your autistic loved one about sex. You can do it. I believe in you! And they’re counting on you.

*Elizabeth Weir, Carrie Allison, Simon Baron-Cohen (2021) “The Sexual Health, Orientation, And Activity Of Autistic Adolescents And Adults.”

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Books for Teens:

"The Growing Up Guide for Girls: What Girls on the Autism Spectrum Need to Know!" by Davida Hartman. Written specifically for autistic girls, this book covers puberty, hygiene, emotions, and safety, with visuals and structured information.

"The Growing Up Guide for Boys: What Boys on the Autism Spectrum Need to Know!" by Davida Hartman. Similar to the guide for girls, this version is tailored for autistic boys, with emphasis on physical changes, relationships, and boundaries.

Books for Parents and Caregivers:

"Autism-Asperger's & Sexuality: Puberty and Beyond" by Jerry and Mary Newport. This book helps parents navigate conversations about puberty, relationships, and sexual health with their autistic teens.

"Sexuality and Relationship Education for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorders" by Davida Hartman. A comprehensive guide for teaching neurodiverse individuals about relationships, consent, and sexual health.

“Taking Care of Myself: A Hygiene, Puberty and Personal Curriculum for Young People with Autism" by Mary Wrobel. Focused on life skills, this book is highly visual and uses step-by-step instructions for teaching personal care and safety.

General Book Resources:

"The Social Survival Guide for Teens on the Autism Spectrum" by Michael McManmon. This guide includes sections on relationships, boundaries, and appropriate social interactions.

Sex Education Classes:

There are some terrific online sex ed classes available. This is the one we’ve had experience with. (And no, I don’t get a cut if you sign up!)

Ease - Empowerment, Advocacy & Sexuality Education, LLC; Melissa Hochberg, M.Ed & Arlene Lechner, M.Ed, Human Sexuality Educators & Mental Health First Aid Certified. Class: Relationships & Sex Education, Online Classes for Ages 18+ - A course for adults with Intellectual/Developmental Disabilities: Autism, ADHD, Down Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, Williams Syndrome and more. About the class: Sex education & self-advocacy skills give people the ability to enjoy healthy relationships, make informed choices, prevent abuse & see themselves as sexual beings. Students receive age appropriate & medically accurate information using a variety of modalities. Contact: www.EaseEducates.org, 703.598.2010, EaseEducates@gmail.com

Organization for Autism Research:

They’ve got some excellent advice and tips here including

• OAR’s Sex Ed for Self-Advocates: A website specifically for teens and young adults

• Amaze.org: An extensive collection of brief engaging videos about a wide range of health topics

• Autism Relationships Workbook: Written for and by autistic individuals, with a focus on boundaries and assertiveness

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